117.4

WTF?!?!?! Ugh I am so disappointed. What happened? Where did I mess up? 2 whole freaking pounds?!?! I barely ate anything at all yesterday. Granted, I snacked, and when I snacked, I didn't purge. So that's probably why. I want to work out so freaking bad, but this cyst is killing me. My honey and I had a discussion last night, and for the first time in our relationship, he voiced to me that he doesn't like what I'm doing, and that he wishes I could change it. So I'm torn. I don't know what to do. I don't want to disappoint him, but I don't want to be fat. WTF am I supposed to do? Eating right and exercising has never worked for me in the past. That's why I have always come back to my eating disorder. It's comfortable, and it's successful; well most of the time. I plan on eating an apple or banana for breakfast, then go work out when my youngest goes down for a nap. I was going to go to church, but with both the kids, I'm overwhelmed and it's hard to take them both in and be able to pay attention to the pastor. But I don't know. My friend says I should go because if I don't, then I will feel guilty about it later. Which she is probably right. I just can't make up my mind about anything as of lately. I feel bad for everyone in my life right now, especially my honey. I know I'm driving everyone crazy with my mood swings and not being able to make decisions about ANYTHING. So what I'm going to do now is go do dishes, vaccuum the house, and wait for nap time. I will do some worship on my own time while my youngest sleeps.

Cysts and some weird eye thing

That's what my last two days have been consumed with. I spent 5 hours in the ER yesterday because I started having random bleeding and pain in my lower stomach. After numberous blood tests and an ultrasound, they told me that I have a 2 inch hemoraging cyst on my left ovary. That would explain why I have been in so much pain lately. They told me that they hope it ruptures on it's own or if it continues to get bigger, than I will have to have it removed. Then this morning when I woke up, I have this huge bump under my left eyelid which is causing my eye to be almost completely closed. So I called the eye doc and they are wanting me to come in in a couple hours. I barely ate anything yesterday which I guess is a plus, but I have been so rushed this morning, I haven't been able to get on the scale. So I guess I will weigh in tomorrow. But I did something on Wednesday that I thought I would NEVER do. I bought a bikini. It was my mom's idea, and I don't know if I will actually wear it. It's pretty cute and all (pink and green camo), but really, me in a bikini. That's kind of an entertaining thought lol. But who knows, maybe it will look good, in a few years haha. But anyway, that's all I really got for now, so I will write more tomorrow.

2 years without my uncle

My uncle Ron passed away two years ago today. He was more of a father to me than my father ever was. He practically raised me, taught me a lot that I know, took care of me while I was sick, and once a week would drive an hour and a half to come hang out with me. He was an amazing person, had a beautiful soul. I am who I am today because of him. He was taken way too soon. Just like my brother. I am going to go to the store and buy some balloons, then my mom and I are going to write on them and release them in his honor. I have such a busy day ahead of me. I'm doing two hair cuts, gotta go pick up meds, go to like 3 stores and go drop my youngest off with his dad. I'm hoping that with a busy day, I can avoid eating until dinner tonight. Which may be unlikely since my mom will probably want to go to lunch. If we go out, I sooo want Olive Garden. MMmm. I have already been crying all morning, and the rest of the day is going to be hard. I don't know why I'm so emotionaly lately. I hate it. Maybe I will start taking my antidepressants again. Maybe that will stop with my mood swings. All I know is I hate when I go through these depression episodes. Alright, enough ranting. Weighed in still at 115.4. Le sigh.

I want to be toned

Is that so much to ask for? I'm down to 115.4, which is small enough. Now I just want my stomach to be tighter, my legs and arms to be less flabby. I want my face to go back to normal instead of all this breaking out shit. I am totally and utterly disgusted with myself. I can't stand to look at myself anymore without crying. I know that it's causing minor issues with my honey because I know what he sees, but I don't see that. I don't see myself through his and God's eyes. Why is that so hard? Sure, I look halfway decent with clothes on, but with them off, I scare myself. I don't understand why I feel this way. My eating disorder has become such a norm for me in my life, that I don't see myself without it. It's hard for me to see past the right now. I can't imagine myself in the future eating something and keeping it down. I can't imagine myself ever not worrying about calories, or fat intake. I don't ever see myself comfortable naked. It's so hard to see past all of this. My body and mind have so much control over me. I get so mad if in the morning the scale doesn't change from the last time, or up. This stupid eating disorder has so much control over me. I want to take control over it, damn it. But I need to do this on my own. I need to come to grips with the fact that if I stop purging that I am going to gain weight, and right now, I'm not okay with that. I don't want to gain weight, I just want to be toned. Sigh...

115.4

Between last post and this one, my weight was fluctuating up and then back down. Yesterday when I got on the scale it said 116.8. I was freaking out because I wasn't doing anything different, so I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Then this morning when I got back on, I went down. I triple checked it just to make sure. And yesterday was a horrible day with food. When I went to go pick up my youngest, I had my friend with me, and we stopped at Arby's and picked up a couple small things. Problem was, was that I was driving, and I wasn't able to purge it until an hour after the fact. Needless to say, not all of it got purged. Then for dinner last night, I made Toquitos, and turns out, those are one of those foods that is very stubborn to come back up. I felt so sick to my stomach last night. And I was terrified to get on the scale this morning, but I guess it's a good thing I did. I went to Church this morning, which was very insightful. And now I am making Ramen Noodles to eat while little one is taking a nap. I have had laundry in the washer and dryer all morning. My second load is almost dried, then I have 2 more loads to go. I love Sundays because besides cleaning the house, they are pretty relaxing. I do have to go to the grocery store and get some pretty healthy food for the week seeing as my honey's son will be here all week. Then tomorrow, my oldest and I are going to have a craft day and make cookies. I wanted to go for a walk today, but it's gotten pretty chilly outside. My honey believes that if I can start working out again, that I will maybe be able to stop with my ED. I hope he is right. I mean, I have way surpassed my goal for the YEAR and I just want to be toned now. It's so hard getting a chance to work out with both the kiddos though. But who knows. Maybe..

116 exact

Woohoo!! I am so excited. When I got on the scale this morning, I got off and back on like 3 times to make sure. Yesterday was my first day recording everything I ate, if I purged, my total for each meal, my total intake for the day and then my total output for the day. It's kinda scary when you look at it like that. My honey was actually kinda shocked. I'm hoping to do the same thing today. I haven't ate anything yet and it's 1pm. My oldest had a Valentine's Day party at school, and they had all kinds of food, but I did good and didn't eat anything. I was proud of myself. The only thing I have had at all today was coffee this morning. I even took the boys to McDonald's and didn't buy anything for myself. Yay! Go me! Tonight I'm surprising my honey with a steak dinner, with a baked potato, and a salad. I made him a love CD yesterday, and put it out on the counter last night so he could have it when he went to school early this morning. I didn't even get to see him before he left today, which made me sad. But he sent me a text this morning after I woke up and told me that the CD was wonderful and a few songs made him actually tear up. That made me happy =) But I'm hoping that I can avoid eating anything before dinner. I know that dinner will be more than enough calories for my day. But we will see =)

117.2

OK, well not too much of a loss, is it? But it's not a gain neither. I didn't eat a whole lot yesterday. I ate this cheesy sausage and potato bake with a half of a roll for dinner. And then a cupcake. I wish I would have kept it down because today I feel like crap and don't want to eat, but I'm starving. I wish I could take a sick day and sleep all day and read. That sounds absolutely amazing. I think I may try to eat some soup. I got a ton of that Progresso Light soup, it's got like 140 calories in the whole thing. I most definitely won't eat the entire thing. That is way too many calories at one time. My youngest is down for a nap, my oldest is home from school, so maybe I can feed him lunch and then try lounging on the couch for a bit. I hope. Who would have thought that once you have two kids, it's impossible to take a nap, or sit down for longer than 5 minutes at a time? It's a good thing I'm a fast typer then lol. Last night, my honey and I were talking and he told me that since my weight goal for the entire year was 125 and I have very much surpassed that, he thinks that I could quit purging now. So then I proceeded to try to argue with that by telling him my new goal was 115. But secretly, last night while I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I had my left hand on my hip, laying on my right side, and I can feel my pelvis, like the way it's shaped and everything. That kinda scared me. But gave me a sense of satisfaction at the same time. My honey tells me that he loves my curves and that is one of the first things he noticed about me, so that's what I'm scared of. Is losing what he finds attractive. When we first got together, my ED wasn't near as bad as it is now, and he somewhere deep inside thinks it's his fault, but in reality, I started noticing a huge drop in my weight and that is why I have been doing it so much more lately. He wants to order pizza for dinner tonight. I freakin love pizza, but it doesn't love me. It's that hate/love relationship that I tend to have with most foods. Well it's almost lunch time, so I am off to make my oldest lunch. Enjoy the rest of your day =)

117.6

That is what I weighed in at this morning. I don't know how I did it, but hell, I'm not going to question it. Although I am going to get a new battery for the scale at the store today. I was telling my honey that I'm scared to get a new battery cuz right now, the scale is my friend and I don't want to get a new battery and it tell me, "hey wait, you're actually 130." I know that's silly, huh? Yesterday at lunch I had a burrito and some chips, which got purged and then last night we went to Country Buffet. Before we left, I told my honey that I needed to be a good girl if we were going to go to a buffet. So my first round was a tiny salad, a little bit of cottage cheese and a fruit salad. Probably a total of 200 calories. I did end up purging that. My main dish was popcorn shrimp, a small bit of mashed potatoes, a stale roll and a piece of ham. I wasn't too thrilled with any of that. And it ended up coming back up. Then for desert, I had two small pieces of two different cakes. Purged... So much for me trying to cut back on it, huh? I have noticed that my right hand is getting severely dry and cut, so I asked my honey why it's only on that hand and he told me he thinks it could be my stomach acid, which is probably true. So I have been putting antibiotic cream on it. I think it's working. I was so afraid to get on the scale this morning because I haven't weighed in in like 3 days or something like that. But I'm glad I did. Hopefully I can keep staying strong and not gain any weight. Well, I'm off to go to the grocery store and pick up my youngest from his father. =)

It's only 10am

I have had a bad morning. I slept horrible last night. I had nightmares all night. And I have purged 3 times already. I can't believe I actually went to Burger King this morning and ate it. I feel like a freaking cow. I am still stuck at 120. I am most definitely not happy about it. I am disappointed in me. I know my honey is disappointed in me. I don't understand why God will not let me see me how he made me. The pictures I got done on Saturday came out great though. She did such a fantastic job at making sure she didn't get any of my "bad sides." I'm hoping that when I get all of them back, I can finally see what most people see in me. I just want to have some kind of confidence. Even if it's just a little bit. I will be posting one of the pics on here to see what you all think. Like I said, she did an amazing job. I hope that the rest of this day will be better than the events this morning. I am going to make a turkey tonight to freeze for my oldest lunches. The doctor told me turkey would help with his ADHD so I'm hoping he is right. My mom is coming up today and we are going shopping. YAY for that. I need some retail therapy for sure. And no more food for me the rest of the day. Just tons of water.

Still stuck...

That is how I feel right now. I am still stuck at 120 exact. I don't get it. I have been doing crunches, eating a bit healthier, and still purged my dinner last night. I went on a mini binge last night around 10pm though. I was so mad at myself that I made sure I purged until nothing, not even water came back up. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with this anymore. But I know that if I don't purge, then here comes those last 20lbs I lost. But today is going to be a matter of mind over matter. I plan on making a bunch of snacks and food for Superbowl, but my goal is not to eat any of it. Maybe before I go to the store I will go and see if I can find any healthy snacks. Although the boys around this house are all about the meat and junk food haha. So maybe I will just find something healthy for me ;) I am pretty excited to get my pictures back this week. I'm nervous because I know that you can see my stretchmarks in them, but I try not to get too down about them. So two years ago on Superbowl Sunday is when I had my first miscarriage, so it seems that this day is always connected with that. My youngest was super sick last night that I had to take him to the ER. They told me they believe it may be the onset of Pneumonia but they won't know until Tuesday. We got home around 1am and now it's almost 10am and he is still sleeping. I am actually going to go wake him up though so he will take a normal nap time. Then heading off to the store. Might check back in later.

Pictures

Today I did something that I would normally NEVER do. I went and had my friend take boudoir photos of me. I was so nervous and so scared on how I was going to look in all those sexy little clothes. But by the end of it, I felt very comfortable doing them. I think my friend helped me be calm and comfortable. And the Mimosa probably helped a bit too ;) I weighed in this morning at 120 still. No more, no less. So that was kinda discouraging. On my way to go get my pictures done, I stopped and got a power bar. That was a bad idea. Those stupid things have 300 calories in them. And because I was driving, I couldn't purge them. Then after pictures, my youngest and I shared a fry from McDonald's. Again, in the truck, I couldn't purge. So of course I feel like a freaking cow. I'm making chicken burgers for dinner tonight with a salad and some fresh fruit on the side. Maybe I will skip the burger and just eat the salad. All I want to do is sleep right now. My youngest only let me get a total of like 3.5 hours of sleep last night. I think he is getting sick again. Sigh, just my luck. Maybe I will go take a nap while he is taking one. Hopefully my non purging of the two things I ate earlier doesn't cause me to gain any weight. I guess I will see in the morning.

I haven't weighed in...

It's been 2.5 days since I weighed in. I'm too scared that I have gained. Although I have been eating a lot healthier, I am still purging it, so I don't know if it makes much of a difference what my intake is. So for today I had a Lean Pocket and half an apple which is a total of 330 calories for the day and it's 1:00pm. Of course I couldn't help but purge them. Yesterday, my mom and I went to Souper Salad for lunch. I made a huge salad, which I didn't purge, but then the soup I had after and the desert I had after, I purged. I actually get quite cranky if I don't purge now. I just hate that feeling of being full. On a side note; Holy Snow Batman!! We have got at least a foot so far. And it's still coming down pretty hard. But I braved it and went to the grocery store. Hopefully I got enough food for the next two weeks. I bought a lot of Healthy Choice microwave meals. Those average around 300 calories each. I also bought a lot of oranges and apples and salad. So I'm making an attempt to at least make sure if I don't purge my food, that it will be healthy. I am making Hearty Ham and Apples for dinner. It has become one of my favorites. And my honey loves it. Of course, I don't know what time he will be home. This new job keeps him gone for long hours. But he seems happy, and that is all that matters to me. I am getting pictures done tomorrow, and I'm kinda nervous about them. But they should come out great because she is an amazing photographer. So I will probably weigh myself in the morning before I leave for those. We will see.

120 Exact

That is what I weighed in at today. I don't know how I feel about it. I gained like 12oz from the last time I weighed myself. A part of me is happy about what I am at, but another part of me is disappointed. I just want to be happy with myself. I wouldn't mind 110. That would be fantastic. Tomorrow, I am going to try my hardest to start eating veggies, fruits and soup. The Progresso Light stuff is only like 140 calories. I want to maintain if anything at this point. I don't have much to say today, but I suppose I will blog my progress.