Being completely consumed...

I edited the photo myself

Everyone keeps asking me if I want to get better for me. Of course I do. I have become completely consumed by my ED. The emotions that I go through every time I think about eating, well frankly, has become too overwhelming. For example; last night I ate not one, but two brownies. While I'm eating them I am thinking, "damn these are good." Then it's, "you're fat. Disgusting. A failure." So then I headed to the bathroom and purged (for the 11th time yesterday) and thought, "success. You enjoyed your food, but didn't have to worry about the calories." Then as I'm washing my mouth out I was back to, "you're such a failure. The only way you can maintain your weight is throwing up everything you eat." This is what I go through all the freaking time. I am in such a state of depression and anxiety that I can't enjoy life anymore. I'm not Katie. I am my eating disorder. Yesterday, I made everyone sandwiches and bagged lunches for when we went shooting. Except for me. I didn't make myself a lunch or take any food for me. As I'm sitting in the cab of the truck and watched the guys eat their lunches, I became so envious. I would love to be them. To enjoy a sandwich, a small bag of chips, and a power bar and not hate myself. Shit, I would love to eat a handful of peanuts and not hate myself. I purged 12 times total yesterday. I don't know why yesterday was so bad. My head hurt so bad by the end of the night and I was so shaky that I couldn't do anything. Today I have purged 4 times and it's 4pm. Mostly because I haven't been snacking like I did yesterday. I don't know what to do for dinner tonight. I would be content with nothing. But I have people to feed, so I can't do that. I went to my doctors appointment this morning. Told my doctor, who I have known my entire life that I have an eating disorder and I have had one for 11 years now. I told him how bad it has gotten and that I just wanted to be put on medication to make me more of an enjoyable person to be around. No wonder why I have no friends. No one wants to be around me. I'm miserable. So my doctor tells me that he doesn't specialize in eating disorders (no shit) and he wants to consult with a psychiatrist to get an opinion on what medication to put me on. I was quite disappointed because I was hoping he would just give me something. Then they drew blood to check my levels. He told me I have an abrasion in my esophagus and that's why I'm bleeding when I purge. My overall feeling about the appointment was, "OK, he doesn't think it's so serious that he feels the need to do something drastic." So maybe I'm not as sick as everyone keeps thinking. You know, if I was taller, then I might actually look like I have an eating disorder. But I'm so damn short that it's no wonder why I still look freaking fat. I'm too fat to have an eating disorder. End of story. So I'm going to go read a book for an hour until T is home. I have a lot more to write. Just don't feel like it right now.

Who's a fat cow? That would be me.

Yep. That's how I'm feeling. Not sure why. I weighed the same this morning. No more, no less. I didn't eat anything all day except munching on Pistachios until dinner tonight. I made Chicken Parmesan for dinner. I only ate half the chicken breast on top of some spaghetti with sauce. I purged it all. I am bleeding more often when I purge. I will mention that to my doctor on Monday. But I am feeling huge right now. I haven't worked out at all today. I think I will work out when my youngest goes to bed. Only another half hour til then. I need to work out. I need to stop being a fat, lazy cow all the time. Then after I work out, I will drink some tea. That way I won't be tempted to eat anything. I feel like my gut is bulging out lately. It's so disgusting. I am so disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror without crying. I have been wanting to cut lately. Like a very strong overwhelming urge to do so. It's been so long since I have cut. T told me last night that, that is the point where he will draw the line. It feels like the only thing I will have control over. I used to think I had control over my ED. Guess I was wrong there. It's taken me over. It's scary. It's unreal. But yet comforting. Like T said. I am so torn between wanting to be better and wanting to just stay where my life is. I enjoy seeing the weight loss. And not being as big as I used to be. But then at the same time, I'm so depressed all the time. My anxiety is always heightened. I am always crying. I am always stressing about food. I love to eat. I hate to eat. That's why I purge. Because the food tastes amazing but then I don't have to deal with the calories. It's funny though, I still count calories even though I purge everything. I think that's why I am always a wreck by the end of the day. I think about all that I ate and all the calories, and I don't see that none of it has stayed and those calories really don't count. Everything is out of control. My life has spiralled out of control. Sigh, now I'm just ranting. But I guess my overall topic of today's blog; I am a fat cow. I need to go work out. End of story. Much love.

XOXO Katie

103.6

*Huge sigh of relief* It's amazing to see a different number and for that number to be lower. Although it seems to have no affect on my perspective. Last night before bed, I was crying because even though I can see the numbers changing on the scale, my stomach seems huge. It seems like it's bulging out. I know that I'm doing 400 crunches a day and 100 leg lifts, but I figured that would make my stomach flatter, not make me feel like I'm bloated. This is why I'm convinced that ED and ANA have taken over everything. Here I am, 103.6lbs, the smallest I have EVER been but yet, still unhappy. It's driving me insane. Literally. I was talking to a friend last night about my obsessive compulsiveness about my eating disorder, and she kinda just looked at me like I was crazy. I feel crazy. I feel like I have finally lost it. I don't plan on eating anything today until later tonight. I did have a half a cup of coffee with cream and sugar (30.) I am leaving in about an hour to go get my hair colored and that will take a few hours in itself. Then after that, I have to drive my dad around for his errands. So as long as I can keep busy and my mind off of food, it will be easy for me. We are going to the bar tonight, so I know that I will be eating there. I always do. So that's all I really have to say. I saw a lower number today, but it hasn't changed anything. Sigh. Much love.

XOXO Katie

My body hates me

That's the simplest way to put it. I ate two egg whites (34cal) and 3 strawberries (8cal) for breakfast. I didn't purge because I knew it was going to get burned off right away with my crunches and leg lifts. Looking back, I wish I would have purged. I went down and saw my mom today. It was nice. First we went to Hobby Lobby. I bought a paint by numbers for something to do in my "down time." Then we went to lunch. That's when my entire day came crashing down on me. We went to Souper Salad. Never, in my history of purging, have I ever had a problem with purging salad. Or soup for that matter. My plate consisted of a Cesar salad topped with 3 tomato pieces, cheese, black and green olives, onions, cucumbers and blue cheese dressing. Then I had 3 pieces of cauliflower and a tiny, tiny spoon full of tuna noodles. Healthy, right? Then I grabbed a small bowl full of some chicken vegetable soup. I drank a glass and a half with all that. Went to the bathroom to purge, and damned if that food didn't come back up. I tried all my "tricks" for 15 freaking minutes and NOTHING. Ugh! So after bawling my eyes out, I went back out and sat across from my mom. She was eating ice cream. Sigh, it looked so yummy. So my fat, lard ass went up and got a damn bowl of ice cream as well. Drank a half a glass of water with that. Went to the bathroom to purge, and the ONLY thing that came up was the ice cream. I was so mad, disappointed, and disgusted with myself. We left the restaurant and I was crying. So my mom thought, "hey, I will take you shopping and make you feel better." It worked while we went to try on shoes, but not clothes. I felt huge and gross in every article of clothing I put on. Walked out of Ross with a shirt. The only good thing that came out of that experience was that I learned that I am too small for a size 5 now. That's good I guess. So my whole ride back home from my moms, I cried and blared my music so loud to try to drown out the negative thoughts. T and I discussed earlier in the day that we would go to the rec center when I got home so I could work off all those damn calories. Well by the time that I got home, made dinner (for him and his son; I was NOT eating), it was past 8pm. T and I got into an argument because of my ED (again.) I can't believe how far I have dragged him into this. Maybe it would have been better had I never told him. He wants to help, and I just shoot everything he says down with my negative comments. His son and him went to Walmart to get dog food, and he came back with a surprise for me. It was a hand held mixer. He told me he knows I'm happy when I cook. It was so sweet. And I felt so bad for being so negative. While he was at Walmart, I worked out for 40 minutes, then did my 2nd set of crunches for the day. So here I am, 11:15pm, still haven't ate since lunch and I'm OK with that. I'm drinking tea instead (0cal.) Sorry for this post being so long. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Who am I anyway?

Last night I was doodling. Everything that came out on that piece of paper was written in third person. "You're ugly. You're fat. You're a failure. You're chunky." Am I even myself anymore? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but I just don't know. It's Ana's voice. But it sounds like mine. Am I failing everyone? Because I'm not skinny enough? Or am I failing everyone because they are getting sick of hearing all this shit? I purged my dinner last night (ramen noodles.) But I felt like it didn't all come up. So at 10:30pm, I was working out just so I didn't keep those calories in me. T was looking at me like I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I've gone over the edge and I just don't care anymore? I'm so lost. 100 = Perfection. Not 104. That's an ugly number to me. 104 is NOT good enough. Question is, will 100 be good enough? Will I ever even see that number? It seems so far out of reach even though it's only 4lbs. I've been doing 400 crunches a day. Why isn't my stomach getting flatter? I am trying so hard, and for what? For that number to be 100? Even if I did get there, it's not going to be enough. Never enough. Always pushing myself to be better. Skinnier. Prettier. I am going to try doing a project. I'm going to start a binder. Completely dedicated to my ED. Everything from thinspo, to writings. Anything and everything that describes my life with ED. For a couple reasons. The first being so maybe T can get a little better insight to what goes on in my head. The next reason being, if I do ever get better, I want to have this as a reminder of what used to be. And how I, just like many others, could possibly get past this. It's just an idea. I think it's a good one. Also, I found a red band today. Nothing fancy, just a rubberband. I don't plan on taking it off. Thank you Lottie for some insight. Yesterday was 7 months for T and I. But both of us spaced it out and remembered it today. So he wants to take me out to dinner tonight. The only thing I have ate today was a banana (purged) and the inside of a hot pocket (purged.) I know that sounds weird, but I only wanted the ham and cheese from the inside. Not all the carbs and calories of the bread. So now I'm sitting here. Feeling pretty blah. I think I'm going to go do 200 crunches before the little one wakes up from his nap. Thank you all for your comments. Much love.

XOXO Katie

104 Exact

Yesterday and today that's what I've weighed in at. I had a very weird experience Saturday night. We ordered Silvermine Subs around 10:30pm, they delivered around 11 and then we started watching a movie. I also got a cup of Cheddar and broccoli soup. I ate that first. Then purged that. Then about half way through my sandwich, my body started having a complete freak out. First it was my chest, then the middle of my back and then my lower stomach. They all hurt to the point where I couldn't even breath. My body was forcing me to purge. As soon as I purged, all that pain went away. It was so weird. My body was rejecting the food. It was pretty scary actually. Yesterday I felt like I ate way too much. After dinner last night, when I went to purge, there was blood. Not a little, quite a bit actually. It wasn't dark red, so I know it wasn't any of my organs. I think I scratched the back of my throat pretty badly. So T said, alright, something has to change. I agree with him. But it's so hard. I'm 4lbs away from my goal. 4! That's it. So this morning, I made two egg whites and 3 strawberries (48cal). I didn't purge them (although a half hour later, I regretted it, tried to purge and it didn't happen.) Then I did my 200 crunches and 50 leg lifts. So those calories got burned. Then I went for a 2.5 mile walk. I wanted to go longer, but it's just way too hot. Now I'm my calorie intake is -235. But now I'm about to eat a hot pocket. I will probably purge that. Too many calories not to. I don't know if I'm going to do dinner tonight. T will be at work late, so maybe I can get away with skipping dinner. I don't have much else to right. I hope everyone is having a great day. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Warning: I'm depressed

No, I didn't go up today (I didn't go down neither.) I don't even really know why I'm blogging at the moment. I'm just pretty upset and I can't seem to figure out why. So this morning when we woke up, T didn't have to work again today, so I made him breakfast in bed. Ya, I know, cheesy.  But I made him a breakfast sandwich, strawberries, and bananas. And coffee. I took it in to him, on a tray and all with a little note. He seemed pretty happy about it. Then he came out after eating and asked me what I wanted to do today (as I was stuffing my fat face with 3 egg whites*purged.) I suggested we go on another hike with both my oldest and his son. So we looked up some good hike trails, picked one and headed out. Before we went up, we stopped at the store to get some bottled water and some power bars. So my dumb ass ate an entire bar, knowing that I couldn't purge it (300 cal), and felt freaking huge. So went on a 5 mile hike. 2.5 miles of it straight up hill, and then the other 2.5 miles back down. So in reality, I burned  701 calories, so my intake was -401. I should feel good about that, right? WRONG. I was/am so mad that I ate that power bar knowing I couldn't purge it. I have avoided food since. And it's 9pm. I decided to take everyone out to Carl's Jr for dinner. I wanted so bad to order a juicy cheeseburger. The whole place smelled amazing. But nope. I paid for everyone else's dinner and watched everyone else eat. T says that he feels bad that I paid and didn't eat. I told him that I was OK. The whole thing was a bad idea in the end anyway because my oldest had a total freak out and temper tantrum in the restaurant in front of everyone (all because he didn't want to eat his dinner.) So my night kinda turned to crap after that. We came home, I sent him to his room until bath time. I cleaned the hell out of the house, because that's what I do when I'm upset. Gave both my boys a bath and sent them to bed. Now I'm sitting here, hungrier than ever (I really want pizza and peanut buttercup ice cream.) But if I'm being honest, I have more than enough food in the house if I really want to eat. If I eat anything, I will purge it. I didn't go to the gym today, mainly because I didn't have time, so that's probably screwing with my head a bit. I have only done 200 crunches, so I'm a failure at that as well. I've been wearing my "fat hoodie" all afternoon. That would be my over sized, way too big for me, hoodie that I wear when I'm having a "fat day." We are probably going to turn on some Supernatural or I might read. Anything to avoid food and calories. I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. It helps me keep going. Much love.

XOXO Katie

This is my cursed number

I weighed in at 104.4 again this morning. I was stuck at this number for 2 weeks, then went up, then came back down yesterday. I swear this is my cursed number. I want to be 100. 4 freaking pounds. Give me something here. I have been working out like a mad woman. Doing 3-4 hours a day. And a total of 400 crunches a day. I feel amazing and wonderful when I work out. And then I ruin it because I'm hungry afterwards and want to eat. So then I eat/purge/workout again. Today I managed to keep a half of a power bar down but that was only because we were hiking. So I had 115 calories that I kept in myself. I burned 464 calories on the hike. Then a few hours later, I went to the gym, burned 400 calories there, then came home and did my first set of 200 crunches. I will be doing another set tonight before bed. T swears up and down that he can see 4 abs, but I DO NOT see anything. I think he is just telling me that to make me feel better. Ever since I came home from the gym, which was about 3 hours ago, I have had so much energy and I can't figure out why. I feel like I drank a ton of energy drinks, which I don't because those things are nasty. I have been so active today, so I am praying that I will weigh less tomorrow. T thinks that if I keep up all the crunches that I will have a flat stomach within a couple weeks. That would be amazing. But he now thinks that I am over doing it on the working out. I don't think so. My therapist yesterday told me she wants me to learn how to spend "healthy me time." Meaning for the 1 hour in the morning when my oldest is at school and my youngest is down for a nap, she doesn't want me to cook, clean, do dishes, or laundry or work out. Um, she realizes I have two kids right and a whole family to cook for? So I don't know what I am going to do. I can't read because my mind goes a million miles per hour because I KNOW that I should be doing something else. But anyway, I guess I will find something. I have too much energy to just keep typing, and now I'm just rambling on. I will update a better blog tomorrow, hopefully with a lower number. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Back to 104.4

I made it. I wanted to be back to 104.4 before I went and saw my therapist today, and I did it. Yesterday after I dropped my youngest off at his dad's, I went to the rec center and did and hour and 10 minutes on the elliptical and burned 474 calories total. But after that T's dad took us to Applebees for dinner. I told myself I was going to get a side salad because they are cheap and that's all I really needed, but no, instead I ate a spicy chicken wrap with onion rings. Then I had a total panic attack because the place was so busy and there was NO way I was going to be able to purge them in the bathroom at the restaurant. So I had to wait 20 minutes until we got home to purge. I do believe I got most of it though. That was the second fattening thing I had to eat yesterday. While up dropping my youngest off with his dad, he bought me lunch. A freaking calzone. And instead of eating just half of it, I ate the entire thing. Ugh I was so mad at myself. I did purge ALL of that though. Last night was such an emotional night for me. First off, I was so sure that I gained weight with how much I ate yesterday. And last night at 10:30, I was still hungry. I couldn't believe it. Secondly, yesterday marked 8 months since my brother passed. And my dad and I were talking on the phone about spreading his ashes when we go out to Tennessee. And I just broke down. We shouldn't even have to do this. My brother was taken way too soon. It seriously is not fair. I have lost so many people in these past couple years. I didn't sleep well last night. Too many nightmares. I think I am going to talk to my therapist today about them. Maybe she can give me something to make them all go away and I can actually reach REM for once. So because of all the crying last night and restless sleep, my eyes are so heavy today. T is at work again today. He just needs one day off. That's all I'm asking for. One day to catch up on sleep and do what HE wants to do. I feel so bad for him. But yesterday he got off work around 4pm, which is 5 and a half hours earlier than he has been, so we got an hour to ourselves before we went to dinner with his dad. I miss him. But sometimes it's easier to deal with my ED without him here. That way I don't have to see disappointment in his face after I go to the restroom. So anyway, I am going to get on with my day. I hope everyone has a lovely day. Much love.

Perfect body and so tan =)

XOXO Katie

Almost a whole pound down

I weighed in at 105.2 this morning. Yay! I worked out last night after I put the boys to bed. It feels amazing knowing I can do 200 crunches now without it hurting at all or struggling with it. I also didn't eat dinner. I wasn't hungry by the time T got home from work. These late nights he is working sucks though. He has been doing 12 hour days. I know he is looking forward to the paychecks, but I'm getting lonely. When he's not here, I'm left alone with my depression and anxiety. I had an anxiety attack last night thinking about this whole Tennessee ordeal. But not about the money like any normal person would. I was freaking out about how I'm going to handle my ED around my dad. Now that him and his wife know, I don't want them to say anything to me or it to cause a fight. It's not something that should be brought up in an everyday conversation. That is a lot of time to spend with the two of them. I can't decide whether or not I want to get a separate hotel room than them. It would be nice to have that privacy to myself, but it would be a lot cheaper just to share a room. But like T says, I still have 4 months to decide. If I do go, we would be leaving the 15th of August. That's T's birthday. On a different note, despite me not eating dinner last night, it is almost 11am and I am still not hungry. I had 50 calories with my coffee this morning. I have errands I have to do after I pick up my oldest from school, and I was planning on just getting him a happy meal from McDonalds. I have a hard time getting him food though because then I want to get a small fry and Lord knows I don't need it. Plus now that I have lost almost another pound, I really don't want to do anything to screw that up. But we will see how the rest of the day plays out. I'm feeling quite optimistic today. Let's hope I can keep that up. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Lost a little, but not enough

Only 6 ounces down. Which puts me at 106 exact. What I wouldn't give to be back to the 104.4 I was just a few days ago. I guess that's what I get for complaining, huh? Ever since I went back up, I have felt nothing but disappointment and disgust. How could I have let this happen? How did it happen? I didn't binge, I have been exercising, I'm still purging several times a day. I just don't understand. The only thing I have had to eat was a hot pocket sub at lunch time that I obviously purged. T still isn't home from work, and I was going to eat dinner with him, but now, I'm not really hungry. I worked out for an hour and a half total today with 400 crunches in there. Plus stayed active most of the day. Cleaned the entire house (although it's a disaster again, darn kids.) I'm praying that the numbers will read a bit lower in the morning. I know that if I go to my therapy on Thursday and she asks how much I weigh this week and I tell her I went up, she is just going to be oh so excited. Ugh, gag me with a freakin spoon. While I was trying to keep my mind busy today, I made this brownie batter dip that you are supposed to eat with Vanilla Wafers or pretzels. I haven't ate any of it. It's now sitting on the bottom shelf way in the back. That's what I really want. I want the sweets. They are my weakness. And then I make dips and cakes like that, and I don't eat them. The most I do is lick the spoon and a bit of the bowl; which I did today (I even purged that :/). Today has just been a very stressful and overwhelming day. My dad wants to go to Tennessee in August of the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death, and I would be so much more excited at the idea if it was just going to be him and I. I don't mind my step mom, but for short periods of time. I believe she is my father's enabler and he drinks so much more when she is around. And if she goes, that means I am going to have to get my own hotel room, be squished in the back seat and be ignored. When my dad and I went to Tennessee when my brother passed, it was just him and I. And I enjoyed the trip, given the circumstances. We had a nice time and spent a lot of time together. So now if I want to go with them, he wants an answer within a couple weeks, then I have to start saving money. The trip would be around 700 dollars just for me alone for hotel rooms and food and just some spending money. Do you know how hard it is for a stay at home mom to save that much money? Yeah, pretty much impossible. So that's been weighing on my mind all day. The way my stress levels have been today, I just wish I could crawl under my blankets and scream into my pillow. That would make it better. Well that's about all I have to say. Until tomorrow. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Despite my horrid gain...

 Sorry it's such a crappy pic. You really can't see them all =(

I can see my ribs. I count 4 on each side. This means that I have been successful in at least something. I'm excited, but scared too. This is what I've been aiming for though, right? Being able to see them? My collar bones. My shoulder blades. I have reached that goal. But why can't I reach my goal weight? Why does it seem so far off? Up until now that pounds have been melting off of me. But these last couple of weeks, they refuse to go down, but instead up. T and I were talking and he thinks maybe my gain came from all the crunches I have been doing recently. I did 8 days of 100 crunches, and these last 4 days I have been doing 200. The burn feels amazing. But if that's the reason why I'm gaining weight is because of the muscle, I don't know how to feel. I want my "mommy pouch" gone. I want to have a flat stomach and the gap between my thighs. Then I will be happy, won't I? I just worked out for 45 minutes. That felt great. I have been feeling huge all day. Even though it's been around 65 degrees all day, I have been wearing my hoodie, that way I don't have to see my stomach. I ate breakfast this morning. I never eat breakfast. Just extra calories that I don't really need. But I made egg whites with avocado, green onions, cheese, red pepper, and salt and pepper. They came really good, and smelled amazing. Only 110 calories which is good. I purged it though. Then around lunch time, I ate some cheese whizz and crackers and some Cheetos. Purged those as well. Dinner has been in the crock pot all day. I decided to make Chicken Noodle Soup. It's so easy to purge, easy to make, and it's such a comfort food. T won't be home until super late tonight. He has officially worked for 7 days in a row. I miss him like crazy. I refuse to let our relationship falter because he's not home that much. Last night when he got home, I put all of my emotions aside, I didn't cry at all, and I listened to him about his day and how he is feeling lately. I can not let my severe depression, anxiety and eating disorder get in the way of us. This battle that I am fighting will have to just stay between it and I. It's in every one's best interest. Luckily, I have all my readers to help encourage me and make me feel like I'm not alone with this. I see the therapist on Thursday. I'm hoping that I will be back down a couple pounds by then so she won't have to know that I'm a failure at this. She is gonna look at me and think that I'm too fat to have this eating disorder. So anyway, off to do my motherly things. Much love.
XOXO Katie

FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!!

"Failure. Weak. Cow. Lousy mother, girlfriend, daughter." I woke up to 106.6. "Stupid." How could this have happened? I didn't binge last night. I avoided it. It can't be water weight because I barely drank any yesterday. At the bar last night I had a half of a hamburger and a few onion rings and only one drink. I didn't purge. "Idiot." I said I didn't want to see the same numbers on the scale but this is not what I meant at all. I should have purged. "Failure." I am ruining everything in my life because of this self hatred I have for myself. I am so consumed with the numbers, the calories, the disappointment. "Selfish." I really am selfish aren't I? I am overtaken by my eating disorder and depression that I am not doing what I need to do for those around me. "Lazy." I have a hard time doing my daily activities because all I think about is what the scale said that morning, or the calories I have or haven't consumed, whether or not the shirt I'm wearing shows off my fat, if I should exercise. Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning with the mindset of how much you fail at everything? I have never met anyone with the self hatred that I have. I should have purged that burger last night. "Too late now. It's attached to your fat ass now." I need to lose it. I was only 4 pounds away. Now I'm 6.6 pounds away. "Ha, you're never going to make it to your goal." My goal is just a delusion. A fantasy. Something that I only dream about but will never come true. I have everything a girl could want in this world. I wonderful, supportive, sexy man. Two beautiful, healthy boys. A loving, supportive family. A roof over my head. But if I keep up this self destructive behavior, I will lose it all. I came to the realization that maybe all my friendships and past relationships have failed because of me. Who wants to be around a fat person who is consumed by self pity? "You're going to end up alone. Everyone hates you." I'm over this shit. I've never been this low. I've been low before, but this, well this is rock bottom. I just need to slap a smile on and be happy for everyone else, so I don't lose the few people who still love me. Tomorrow... Yes... I will be down tomorrow.... If not... Then I am going to do something about it... That scale will read lower numbers tomorrow.... "Keep dreaming Katie." My dreams aren't even safe from my eating disorder anymore. I dream about it. I dream that I lose T because he can't handle me anymore. I am NO LONGER in control. And frankly, I'm scared of that.

Maintaing

So I decided I am not going to title this blog with words of how upset I am about not losing anymore weight. Even though I am beyond frustrated with it, it's OK. I think... T took me to Red Lobster last night. I purged it 3 times, then we went to the bar. Whenever I drink, I need to eat something and usually that is the only time I keep food down. Not last night. I had onion rings and purged those. Along with alcohol, it wasn't very pleasant. I have been obsessing so much about every bit of my calorie intake. It's getting tiring. I went to a Women of Faith Seminar today. It was very inspiring. But during out lunch break, I was having such an anxiety attack about what to eat that I almost started crying in the gas station. I walked out with a small bag of chili cheese Frito's and an egg salad sandwich. I ate half the bag and most of the sandwich (which was nasty soggy.) I purged it until the point there was no more. But write now, as I am writing this. I'm having an episode. I am starving. I have a long list of stuff in my kitchen right now that I just want to purge; Ham and Cheese Hot Pocket Subs, Puffy Cheetos, Eggs, Sushi, Pizza, Cookies, Pancakes. All of this stuff is yelling at me to come eat it. The only thing that I don't have here that I have been wanting so bad lately is a big juicy cheeseburger from Carl's Jr. It seems this last week I have been having an overwhelming urge to binge. I haven't binged in so long that it feels so wrong to want to. I can't give in. I wish my youngest could just go to bed already so I could go take a bath or something. I want to work out. I want to read. I want to do anything but walk into the kitchen and grab something to eat. Damn it, now I'm crying. Like seriously? WTF?!?! This shit is way out of control. I don't know how to handle it anymore. I should not have this unhealthy of a relationship with food. Why can't I just wake up and be happy with myself? Not constantly be worrying about how many calories certain foods have. It's becoming overwhelming, exhausting and above all, stressful. I can't be happy. And until I get a grip on all of this, I won't be happy. I'm over being miserable. Just shoot me now.

1 week

So yes, I still weigh the same. Yesterday I was just so fed up with it that I gave in and bought a new scale thinking that was the problem. Well I weighed in on my old one and then on my new one. According to the new one, it was almost a pound heavier than my old one. So due to the advice of a friend, I am just going to take it back. I will use that 20 dollars to do something for me and my oldest son our day together today. My mom and I spent the whole day together yesterday. We went shopping at metaphysical stores, she took me to DSW and bought me a new pair of heels for tonight's date with T. They are 4 inches. I have never worn heels that tall. I'm excited, but nervous. I am going to try to stay busy and active today so I don't snack. I need to clean the house, especially the bathroom. Then I will take my oldest to get lunch, take him to the park. Then I will probably take him and my new puppy for a walk. Maybe after I clean, I will work out. I'm a little disappointed in myself seeing as last night my mom took me to Denny's for dinner, and I didn't want to be obvious about my purging, so I only went twice but I still felt like I didn't get rid of it all. But I didn't want her to be upset. I feel like if I had gotten rid of the rest of dinner, that I might have lost some weight. T is taking me to Red Lobster for our date tonight. I'm nervous because I haven't tried a whole lot of seafood. I don't like fish. And I want to order something light. I heard their Cheddar biscuits are packed full of calories, so I will avoid those. I was just looking at their light menu online and they have a few choice. The rock lobster only has 90 calories which is good. And a salad is 90 cal. Maybe I can get away with just that. Then we were talking about going to the bar later tonight. So if I can avoid eating all day until dinner, I should be set and not worry about gaining weight. We will see what the day brings. For now, I'm going to go clean. Much love.

See my new heels =)

XOXO Katie

Just shoot me now

Scale reads the same. The only calories I consumed yesterday was dinner late last night. I purged that, 3 times. Couldn't I have at least dropped a couple ounces. Even that would give me some satisfaction. But no. I'm just a failure. Maybe I've hit my plateau. I have never been stuck this long. I've even been exercising these last two days in hopes of those numbers dropping. It's 5:30pm and I have only ate 3 lemon drops (15cal) and exercised 421 cal. So my net intakes is -406. I don't know what else I can do here. I started taking Acai-trim even to help drop the pounds. But nope. I'm just having a crappy day all the way around. Nothing has gone right today. I plan on making pizza for dinner for the boys and T, but I don't know if I want to eat. I just want those numbers to change. And I guess at this point, I'm willing to do anything for them to go down. Around 1pm I wanted to binge. I haven't had that much of an overwhelming sensation to want to binge in so long. I blame pinterest. I'm always looking up recipes for family dinners, but then I started looking up pies, cakes, brownies, cookies. And I want so bad to go binge on some chips, and the cookies. And the ice cream. The sushi. The cheese whizz. But instead of giving in, I decided to go work out. I blared my music so loud and worked out for 45 minutes. I felt fantastic afterwards. Until the voices came back. "Fat. Failure. You're never going to be skinny. Look at those legs. They are disgusting. You're disgusting." I have been listening to them all day. I'm so over all this shit. My kids have been screaming at me all day. I need to make food for my MOPS group tomorrow. But instead I'm sitting here having a freaking pity party for me because I'm so exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. I'm done being a fatty. I'm currently drinking a diet wild cherry Pepsi because I was craving tasty. It's working. Now I have to go make my food for tomorrow. Trying something new. Hope it turns out OK. Thank you all for your wonderful, supporting, motivating comments. They truly help. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Why am I not changing?!?!?

I have been stuck at 104.4 since last Friday. I don't understand. I have been taking my pills, exercising, restricting, and purging when I do eat. I don't binge, I barely eat as it is. I hope tomorrow when I weigh in, I will go down. I have been restricting all day. The ONLY calories I had was 50cal in cream and sugar in my coffee this morning, that I didn't even finish. I burned 422 calories working out, so my intake is -372cal and honestly, hungry feels fantastic. I met with the therapist again today. I'm not going to call her my therapist until I feel ready. I told her that today was my first not fat day in a long time. She asked why and I told her because of my intake. That my stomach has been screaming at me since 11am and I haven't ate anything. I have been drinking water to stay hydrated. I dropped my youngest off with his dad while I was at my appointment, and when I went and picked him up afterwards, my ex pushed me over the edge. He kept making fun of me. Telling me that my bones were sticking out, that I was too fragile to walk, that I'm just going to fall on the floor in a dust pile, all the while, laughing and poking at my shoulder blades. I told him, "You know that I have a fucking problem, right?" To which he replied, "Yep, but guess what, it's not my problem anymore, so it doesn't bother me." Ugh, I wanted to punch him in the face so badly. It totally ruined my great mood. So the therapist says to me, "You have two voices in your head. Do you recognize that your eating disorder is a completely different person? And you need to distinguish between yourself and your eating disorder." I try telling people this all of the time. That I am constantly battling with myself, all day, every day. She told me she wants me to try to keep something down, just once, without purging before I see her next week. She suggested stuff that has no or negative calories. I guess I will try it. She also wants me to use positive wording instead of negative. I still am not sure on how to do this. But I will tell her that I did. So on a final note, it's 5pm, I haven't ate. I have only consumed water. And it feels wonderful. Tomorrow I will see a change for sure. Much love.

XOXO Katie

To clear things up

I am not proud of this. I'm not proud of living with an eating disorder. It's not something that I just decided that would be cool to keep around. Every morning I wake up and panic. Panic about what I'm going to eat that day. Panic about what those numbers on the scale will say. I live with anxiety about every tiny aspect in my life. "How many calories does this have? How many calories did I burn on that walk? If I don't eat, and work out, then my calorie intake for the day is negative." I am not happy with myself, and I'm not just talking about physically. I feel like everything that I do in my life, I have failed at one way or another. I failed at being a daughter, that's why my dad drank and wasn't around. I failed at being a sister, that's why all my brothers hate me (except the one that's gone.) I failed at being a mother, that's why I had to place my first son up for adoption. I failed at being a wife, that's why my husband drank and didn't love me, so I had to leave. And now, to be honest, I feel like I'm failing at being a girlfriend to T. He has done nothing but be patient and loving through all of this, and I feel like I'm ruining his life with my eating disorder. All day yesterday I beat myself up over that stupid doughnut, to the point where T was so irritated with me. Late last night I was so hungry, but I fought the urge to go in the kitchen. Then T brought out chips for him to snack on, and I consumed 210 calories worth of chips. I finished the bag. And the worse part was, I couldn't purge them. They didn't want to come back up. I crawled up and hid under a blanket for the rest of the night. I want to be happy. That's all I want. To be content where I'm at with my weight and my physical appearance. To love myself like my family, my friends, and T does. To wake up and like that person in the mirror. To not pull at this and pick at that. To not have EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT revolve around food, calories, exercise, and numbers. That's where I want to be. I just wanted to share that with everyone who reads my blog that personally knows me and has attacked me for my eating disorder. I need to want this for myself before I can do it for anyone else. I have already weeded out some "friends" who have done nothing but lecture me. I am not perfect, but I am me. And that will have to do. On my final note, I want to thank Dainty for the huge amount of support she has been lately. And for my fasting buddy today. You're an amazing person! Thank you for being the friend that I needed. I haven't consumed any calories and went on a 2.5 mile walk. I'm proud of myself. Much love.

XOXO Katie

I am so depressed today

When I woke up this morning, I promised myself I was going to restrict until dinner. That was until my mom showed up with Krispy Kreme donuts. She was just trying to be sweet. So I ate just one. Then I went to purge it, it didn't come back up. I was so frustrated. So ever since then, I have been in a pissy mood. I have changed my outfit three times because no matter what I put on, it doesn't feel right. I feel huge and disgusting. I haven't ate anything else since and that was at 9:30am this morning. Easter dinner is in the oven and I honestly don't want it. I will be content just watching everyone else enjoy my amazing cooking. I did do a set of 100 crunches and sit ups and then a set of 50 leg lifts. I can't wait until my stomach is flat and doesn't feel like this. I have had to redo my makeup once already because I keep crying. My mom know feels bad because she thinks it's all her fault. Of course it's not her fault. It's mine for eating the damn thing. Or mine for having this mind set that no matter what I eat, I might as well just duct tape it to my thighs and my ass, because we all know that's where it's going. I have been taking my weight loss pills and they are not helping. I have 104.4 for the last 3 mornings. That is so frustrating. Hopefully tomorrow I can get back on track with the weight loss since kids will be in school and I will be cleaning all day again. I feel like I haven't done shit for exercise. I want to go on a 5 mile walk today but by the time dinner is done and everyone is gone, it will be too late. So I will tackle that tomorrow then. I'm really considering changing again. I'm wearing a dress right now and everything on my body feels loose and jiggly. Oh well. I will get over this by tonight I hope. As long as I don't pig out during dinner. I hope I can resist the ham that smells absolutely amazing, the cupcakes and the s'mores pie I made, the green bean casserole, or the cheesy ranch potato bake. That would be amazing. I hope everyone else is having a blessed Easter. Much love.

This is what I feel like doing

XOXO Katie

104.4

So here I am at the end of the day and so upset with myself. I ate like a pig today. We went to Taco Bell for lunch (purged 3 times) and then tonight for dinner I made spaghetti with a salad (purged another 3 times.) I can't believe I ate so much. I have been doing so good these last few days with just eating enough just to get by without passing out. My therapist appointment went alright yesterday. Awkward really, but hopefully it will be easier over time. I am so disappointed in how much I ate today, but tomorrow it going to be worse. I have promised myself that I will not eat anything until dinner with the family. Although I know everyone will be watching me while I eat and when I get up to go to the restroom afterwards. Yesterday before I met with the therapist and I was in the bathroom after purging the 14 french fries (120 cal) I had on my way up there; I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought to myself, "This lady is going to take one look at me and wonder why I'm here. I'm too fat to look like I have an eating disorder." And that's how I feel. I'm huge. My cheeks are chunky, my thighs are huge and my stomach is so round. And my skin has completely broken out lately. I just feel like I look plain nasty. I wonder what T sees in me. Why he is so attracted to me. He is so good looking and me, well I'm just a plain Jane. I know there is a beautiful girl somewhere in here, and one day I will find her. On a side note; T let me get a puppy today. He was free because no one else would take him. Why you may ask. He's deaf. But he is 3.5 months old and is so well trained already. I am so excited. T told me that my puppy will never judge me, look at me if I eat too much (or too little) and be disappointed. He will love me unconditionally. That was so sweet of him to say. My puppy's name is Hyrum Walker. Til tomorrow. Much love.

Fitting picture? I think so

XOXO Katie

105.8 = Disappointment

So I think the day I weighed in at 104.8, the scale was just messing with me. Because yesterday when I got on, I had gained, but today I did go down from yesterday which is good. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I'm not 104.8 right now. Or better yet the fact that I know I'm not making my goal weight by my appointment tomorrow. For the last two days, I have been totally afraid of food. I have put food in my mouth and I end up spitting it out into a paper towel before anyone notices. Nothing big, just chips, or cookies or something. I just want to taste it without dealing with the consequences. It makes me happy that I haven't ate anything today and it's almost 9pm. I do plan on eating something after the kids go to bed. I also plan on purging it. I also took laxies for the first time ever this morning. Not for the weight loss reason, but they help. My stomach feels less full and freaking bloated. I want to wake up in the morning and be to my goal weight. Is that really so much to ask for? I skipped doing ab exercises yesterday. I was hurting too much. But a couple hours ago I did a set of 100. The first 10 killed me, but after that, I just blocked out the pain. My stomach needs to be flatter. End of story. It's not what it's supposed to be. It's disgusting, and jiggly and not what it's supposed to look like. I want to be skinny enough to have a belly button ring and it looks sexy, not repulsing. I want to look sexy and toned in a bikini. Not a big blob of mess. On a different note, I took my oldest to the Humane Society today to waste some time (and secretly, I want another dog) and I found a dog I absolutely fell in love with. She is 7 and a pit bull, and I wanted to adopt her because I know no one else will adopt an old pit. I shouldn't have gone in there in the first place. I fell in love with her even knowing I couldn't afford to take her home. So I got pissed at myself for being so stupid and doing such a thing. I even wasted 10 dollars to put her on hold til tomorrow so I could talk to T about it, when I knew that it was never going to happen. So here I sit, puppy-less, fat, and disappointed. I need to eat. I don't want to eat. I can't eat. I probably will eat. I shouldn't purge. I need the nutrition. I'm going to purge. Such a freaking battle in here. Oh and thanks to a recommendation, I started reading Wintergirls. I love it. I will post more when I get further into it. So now I'm going to go not eat. Thanks for reading. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Not posting my weight

Fuck! That was a horrible way to start my day. I don't understand how my weight went up, but it did. I am so disappointed in myself. I knew I ate way too much yesterday. T thinks the reason why I went up is because I had some tortilla chips last night and the salt helped retain the water that I drank with them. Which is possible. He is pretty smart about that kind of stuff. He also said I probably built a little bit of muscle doing a total of 200 sit ups and crunches. If gaining muscle means that, that number on the scale goes up, I don't know how I feel about that. I made an appointment for Friday with a therapist. My goal was to get to my goal weight before my appointment, and yesterday, that looked possible. Now it doesn't. That went straight down the drain when I stuffed my fat face with food yesterday. So I guess you all can disregard that blog from yesterday seeing as it was pointless to get my hopes up that I had actually lost 2lbs in a day. Yeah freaking right. I've made sure that I stay busy all day today so I don't have to eat. The only thing I have ate today was 3 pringles while walking out the door, and licked the spoon from making cookies and it's almost 5pm. Of course I've been hungry all day, but I don't care. Those numbers need to go back down tomorrow. I also started taking women's daily vitamins since I know I don't get what I need in food, and also weight loss vitamins. They are an apple cider vinegar kind. They are pretty gross. T had to go into work at 2pm today. I don't like these late nights, they pretty much suck. His son wants a friend to spend the night, so I'm making dinner for everyone tonight. I'm doing BLT's. I'm thinking about making a salad out of mine and add avocado to it for me. Which will take out the calories from the mayo and the bread and the carbs. I made my awesome cookies today. Today's batch made 153. I mostly make them for T and the family. I think I only ate 10 out of the last batch of 140. T's dad hung out with me while I made cookies and we had a pretty good talk. I enjoy his company. I have had a pretty crappy, depressing day. I just want to go to bed now and sleep the rest of the night. Then when I wake up tomorrow, maybe that scale will be nice to me and I won't have to toss it out the window. Much love.

XOXO Katie

Wow! What a loss!

I was completely and utterly shocked when I got on the scale this morning. I went down 2 pounds! I was 104.8. I couldn't believe it. Today has been a bad day for purging though. It's been cold and snowy/rainy all day so I've been stuck inside besides going to the grocery store this morning. Here is what my day looked like with food:
Coffee with cream and sugar: 60 cal (purged)
Jell-O: 0 cal ( I didn't purge this because I took my vitamins with it.)
1 bite of an apple fritter at the store: 25 cal (walked that off in the store.)
Half a doughnut: 100 cal (purged)
Half of a package of Raman Noodles: 170 cal (purged)
Half of a sausage patty: 50 cal (purged)
Cake Pop: 180 cal (purged)
So total I ate 585 calories today. That is way more than I usually do. Wow, now that I write it all down like that, I wish I could take it all back. I guess the only stuff that I kept down was 25 calories worth. T says that I do not need to count anything that I purge because it doesn't stay. But for some reason I feel extra huge right now. After my ramen noodles, I went and did 50 side crunches and 50 sit ups and 10 push ups (I know, not that much, but hey, at least I tried, lol). The crunches burned 100, and the sit ups burned 50. So I guess I only burned 150 calories today. That's depressing. I wish I could go work out at the gym. Maybe I can get away for an hour and go to the rec center and do some cardio. I'm making a pizza tonight, but think I'm only going to eat a half of a slice. That's better than a whole one. I'm actually planning on doing more ab exercises later as well. I only have 4.8lbs til my ultimate goal. I need to get there. I don't need that number to go back up tomorrow. I'm totally freaked about that. Alright, well I guess I'm gonna go wake everyone up from naps seeing as it's 5:30pm lol. Thanks for reading. Much love.

XOXO Katie

106.8... Finally

I was so relieved to see those numbers down, even if it wasn't by much, at least they were down, finally. Last night I didn't sleep well. My dreams revolved around my eating disorder. Every single one of them. So I was telling T about them this morning and for about a half hour we discussed my options and whether I wanted to get help. He had me to the point where I was ready. I even called this treatment facility in the next town over that specializes in eating disorders. No one answered, which I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing. After I called them, I went in the bathroom to get ready and I started crying. I looked at my nasty, disgusting, repulsing body in the mirror and totally backtracked. I don't think I'm ready. I'm not happy with my body. I am totally disgusted in it. I am disappointed that I ever let myself get so big to the point where I'm never going to be skinny again. I might have tried to push T away this morning and didn't even mean to. I told him that he would be better off if he didn't have to deal with me and my problems. Then he asked, "are you pushing me out." And that is when I realized that this is what I've done my whole life. I have pushed away every person who wanted to help me or ever got too close to me. I can't let myself push him out of my life. He has been so amazing and so patient through all of this. I told him I feel like I'm ruining his life with it and he told me that it isn't easy for him, but he will do anything and everything to pull me through all of this. It's an amazing feeling knowing that I have someone in my life like that, who knows me completely, and still wants to love me. I just wish that I could love me too. Ultimately, isn't that what I want? To love myself and everything about me? I want to be there. But how? Because for as long as I can remember, I've hated everything about me. I can name every single thing about me that I do not like. It's a long list too. So this morning I stayed busy with house work and running errands to avoid breakfast. By the time we got home, I did decide to eat a half of a ham sandwich. That was 130 calories. I purged that. And I'm still hungry, but I'm not going to eat at least until dinner. I'm making ham and apples for dinner. One of my favorite crockpot dinners. And way easy to purge. I need to get the kitchen organized and throw some stuff out so I can go grocery shopping tomorrow. Maybe I will take a nap. It's way too cold outside today to go for a walk, so I am going to do some ab exercises instead. I might try calling the facility back here in a bit. Maybe...

XOXO Katie

Why am I not losing?

I am beyond frustrated being stuck at 107. I am not happy with this anymore. I know it probably has to do with the fact that I haven't been able to work out or go for a walk since my surgery so I wasn't burning any fat. Although this evening, T and I took the boys for a 4.5 mile walk which was relaxing. But it was difficult for me. I don't know if it was because it's been almost 2 weeks since I have walked that far or because I didn't have any calories to burn when we went. I mean this morning around 11am, I went to Wendys and got a burger and ate a couple chicken nuggets, but I purged those. Then went and ran a few errands, came home, cleaned the garage, the back yard and the house. Then we went on our walk. I should have probably had a small something before we left, but I just couldn't give in. I have gotten to the point, that even though we have a kitchen full of food, I will walk in there, open the fridge, the freezer and the cupboards, stare at all the food I have and just convince myself I am not hungry. Late last night, I sat in the middle of the kitchen floor crying because I was so hungry, but I couldn't bring myself to eat. I know it's gotten bad. I know that I need help. I don't know if I'm ready for the help. I want to be happy with myself. And as of right now, I need to lose the fat that sits on my stomach and the fat that sits on my legs. Even though it was 83 degrees when we went on our walk, I still wore jeans because I can't stand my legs in shorts. Right now, it's 80 degrees in the house and I'm covered with a blanket, strictly because I feel huge and I can't stand to look down and see myself. I swear I need those numbers to go down tomorrow or I'm gonna freak. My oldest is off this week for Spring Break, so I'm hoping that we can keep pretty active. Although I heard it's supposed to rain either tomorrow or Tuesday, but that's OK too because we need it. I just wish I could wake up in the morning and I would be happy. Happy with myself and satisfied with the numbers on the scale. T and I were talking and he told me that if we ever wanted to try for a baby in the distant future, that he is worried about it. I told him that I would make sure I was better before that were to happen. I'm scared of having a girl somewhere down the road because I don't ever want to watch her go through what I have and am currently going through. That would tear me up. I hope I can get to the point one day when I can say, I used to have an eating disorder, but now I'm happy and content. Maybe... Just maybe...

XOXO Katie