Thursday, June 7, 2012

Sorry to disappoint you all

Yesterday was a bad day with my self esteem. From the minute I woke up, before I even got on the scale, I hated myself. I'm not sure why. I thought I was fat all day. The only thing I ate yesterday was some frozen yogurt and a salad. Total was probably about 300 calories. And then my dumb ass purged after dinner. Ugh I was so frustrated with myself. I am still living with this damn migraine. I'm so over it. I am back down to 96.8lbs. I'm sorry to let you all down. I am really trying. I was having some good days, so I was bound to have a slip up. I feel like I'm letting you all down and showing that there is no way to beat this stupid disease. I hate myself. And what the worst part is, I think my oldest son is starting to notice. Yesterday when I made his lunch, he asked me why I wasn't eating lunch. Then this morning as he was eating his breakfast, he asked me if I was going to eat breakfast. Then he told me that I should eat. My 4 year old is telling me this. He even went to the cabinet and got me a box of multi grain cheerios. So I ate a cup of that with a tiny bit of almond milk. He seemed pleased. Ugh, see, I'm letting everyone down with all of this. Speaking of my oldest, last night I sat there and watched him playing outside. I have been taking more notice in him since I've become aware of his problems. He was playing outside, all the other kids were playing together, and my oldest was off by himself. He was riding his bike, or dancing around the sidewalk. He is so lonely, but he seems fine with it, for now. His first therapy/psychiatrist appointment is in a few hours. Yesterdays phone interview went decent. But she told me that once I get the papers turned in, he will be placed on a 5 month waiting list. So in the meantime, she wants me to keep journaling on him and seeing his therapist and psychiatrist. I have my therapy session tomorrow. I think I should cancel because I won't have a sitter for my oldest. God I feel huge today. I think I'm going to go do my ab workouts before I take my oldest to his appointment. I'm sorry for letting everyone down. Much love.
XOXO Katie

13 comments:

  1. You are doing just fine. I know that you are trying and that this is hard to do. ( like me losing weight you just have the opposite problem )

    Kids are like sponges. I am sorry that he is noticing now. May be you can use this to your advantage. You know eat little meals with him and stuff.( or snacks, baby steps here )

    It's like I am always thinking about my kids even though I don't have any yet. I don't want them to have body issues like me. I am so sorry about that. So I am thinking about what should I eat around them. What should I say?

    I am glad the interview went well. 5 month waiting list, jesus. Well at least they took him in and he has a therapist in the main time.

    I hope the rest of your day goes well. Don't worry about missing your appointment. Your little boy comes first. I am sure your weight will go back up no need to worry.

    *hugs* See you later.

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  2. Katie my dear, you didn't let anybody down. I think that's just the way recovery goes, we have good days and bad days. The point is you are trying your best and everyone knows that. I'm sorry you had a shit day but on't let it get you down, you will get there, I am always here, sending you a big virtual hug xxx

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  3. Katie honey, You havent let anyone down, trust me when I say this. You are not a failure just because of a few bad days, you are still doing really really well and we are all proud of you. Your son is just confused, there is no way he can know what a struggle it is for you and I think its so sweet of him to be concerned about his mummy that way.. You are going in the right direction, and the fact is that you want to win, and you wabt to beat this. So every day that you can feel like that is a victory. Dont lose heart, I believe in you so much and I know you have so much strength in you. You are a wonderful and caring mother and you are beautiful, dont let Ana tell you otherwise. She is a lying bitch.. Love you <3 I hope you feel better x

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  4. Yup sucks were on waiting list too but at time we went on it was 3 months...

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  5. You haven't let anybody down. You are doing the bravest thing by recovering, i am sure it is hard because i don't think i could. I think you being very strong, you will recover someday and i am sure it has up and downs
    xxx

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  6. You haven't let anyone down! Your trying the best you can, that's all we can ask for, you are making progress, no matter how small or big, it's still progress :) xx

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  7. Like the lovely ladies before me said, you have not let us down at all! We all want what is best for you, and we all have our up and downs. Keep your head up.

    Glad to hear the phone interview went well. You seem like you're very observant.

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  8. Hey sweety, we are all here to support you no matter what, you haven't let us down. Bekah is right, you are so brave to recover and try to accept yourself and be healthy. It is a slow process because it is a hard thing to do. You will get there in the end. Take care beautiful.
    Alice xx

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  9. You haven't let us down <3, we know that sometimes you have to stumble to leap forward. You know, you'll beat this and then you're gonna be not just a good mom to your sons but also a happy mom and a good example.

    It's amazing how sharp kids are. It's sweet of him to worry like that and tells a lot about his personality. But also gotta remember the bottom line, it's ok to express opinion but not to stark take care of mommy because it's mom's job to take care of him. He's sure helpful but be careful that he won't over do it because that will cause problems for him later on (which I bet you know, but had to say anyway).

    But you're so sharp with all things going on that I can't do anything but admire how you manage to keep everything so well together. Bad days come and go, in the middle of this it's really good job to do this well.

    Take care and stay positive, it makes life a little easier.
    <3

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  10. From one Katie to another, your blog is great! x

    Stay strong lovely x

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  11. If you're trying your hardest, there's not way to let anyone down.

    Stay strong, Katies. There are better days ahead.

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  12. Nobody feels let down, Hun. I know I don't, at all. You just keep going, I know how hard you're trying. It'll be okay.
    Stay strong Xo

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  13. You haven't let any of us down sweetie! Remember that we are all just one big online support group. Everyone has good and bad days, so cheer up and put this one behind you! As for your son, I think it would be wise to always eat something around him. This will be good for him to see, and it will probably benefit you as well. Everything will be okay, and I am always here for you!
    All my support,
    <3 A Fragile Heart

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